Howdy there folks.  Gramps here.  I got some sage advice for you newbies, and some groovy ideas for experts too.  So, hop up here on Gramp's lap and let me play doctor *ahem* , I mean, let me share my wisdom with you.  To start out with, before you even show up at yer local 'ballen hole, ya gosta have the latest technical do-dads.  He with the strongest plastic wins, so If you ain't got the dough try "borrowing" a co-workers Mastercard or sell nude photos of yourself to "Terri Tickler".  While gear'en up at your local store be sure and get some fancy Rebel-ware(tm) clothes- top, pants, nylons, etc.  These let other people at the field know that your cooler than them, and are an "Extreme" type player.  Also pick up an electropneumatic gun.  If you don't use one of these, you are just plain worthless, and a lousy player.  BrassPigeon doesn't count cause their stuff sucks royal ass, and doesn't cost enough.  And don't let one of those damn paintball hippies try sell'en you a stock gun either- they're for pu$#ies.  Also, beware of greedy shop owners trying to sell you useless accessories, like jock cups, or "paintball" goggles.  Serious players know that goggles and facemasks just increase the likelihood of ball-breaks.  Also, if the prices seem to high, and often they do (since store owners are just rich greedy parasites, trying to rip you off), you can try one of two things, 1st- try shoplifting some of the smaller things ex: stickers, loaders, nitro systems, Angels, etc... If this doesn't work, then use mailorder companies.  They are much more honest and less greedy.  Support your local mailorder company!
        Now, onto the field.  Hopefully you remembered to freeze your paintballs the night before (if you don't see blood, they're not out).  After arriving at the field, wait for the first game to be announced, then sneak by the sign-in booth and save yourself the entrance fee.  Once on the field (and past the chrono station) feel free to use that thumb-adjuster you pocketed at the store, and crank up your velocity at little.  After-all, everyone else is doing it, so it would be unfair if you didn't also.  Once the whistle blows, try to keep in mind that this is a WAR game, and not some silly little sport.  The other team is the ENEMY, and must be beaten at all costs.  If you come around the corner on someone, shoot them 6 or 7 times, or until they scream enough to get the ref's attention.  Also, remember if you feel a hit somewhere on yourself, don't stop and check it- thats the ref's job- not yours.  Just keep playing.  And, if by some chance you see some paint magically appear on you, just duck behind a tree and wipe it off.  Its the fair thing to do, since the other team is probably cheating too.  Plus you paid a lot more for your gun than the other people, so you deserve to stay in.
        Remember, between games, if a younger player comes up to you and says something like: "wow- nice gun", or "you must play a lot" , simply huff in his direction and walk away.  No self respecting serious player associates with the younger kids, or newbies.  During the lunch break, sit on the bumper of your car and knock back a few cold beers.  Point and laugh at people walking by with spyders and pump guns.  This lets them know you are a better player than they are, and cannot be shot out.  If by some freak of nature you get yourself eliminated, and the ref pulls you off the field, make sure you yell over your shoulder, "You're lucky my gun went down- I would 'a had you!". This lets them know you "gave" them the shot.
        By mid afternoon, you will be ready to leave, since you should have shot off your 3 cases of paint by then, and if you didn't, you're just playing like a pu$#y and should take up roller-skating.
        Well, I hope some of these ideas help ya out.  Take it from a guy whose been playing since 1936.  You shouldn't be play'en this game for fun- you play it to prove penis size.  Peace-Out G.

GRAMPS
TEAM IRON BLADDER       A Depends Diapers(tm) Factory Team
** Please note that this is a parody and should not be taken seriously.  Opinions and ideas expressed are no ways or means associated with those of the MPN or its staff.

A: Hi Richard,
You got it, I will put it in the next issue.
Sean

Q: I play recreational paintball quite frequently at local fields near my house.  I have been considering buying a gun, but have been using the field rentals until I can deside which one I want to buy.  When I rent the "field" guns, they always seem to shoot poorly, inconsistent, and are usually very rough on the trigger pull.  I can understand that they go out to many players, and probably aren't the cleanist markers, but they are Automags!  Shouldn't they shoot somewhat decent? - John J.

A: Hi John,
Unfortunately, field rentals are used and abused by the people who rent them.  Most fields that I have been to take pretty good care of their rentals, but sometimes that is not enough.  Usually things I look for when renting guns for people is make sure that it is clean!  When I mean clean, I mean, make sure that the bolt and barrel don't have paint or grease (oil) on/in them.  This is the number reason why these guns fail to perform.  Shoot a few rounds at the chrono or shooting range to make sure that the gun is shooting.  If you see the paintball doing what I call "the Twilight Zone effect" where your balls are flying in spirals, clean it up!  If the trigger or any other part of the gun is sticking or not performing well, definitely take it to the onsight airsmith to let him/her know that something is wrong.  They should take care of it before the gun hits the field.  As far as the guns being Automags, well, any gun which is dirty, is a gun which performs poorly.  All guns would have the same performance while in this stage.
Sean